Saturday, April 25, 2015

Then there were three...

So, there is a person growing in me!

How did it come about?

Well, you should know how this kind of thing happens. But if you don't, you should probably call and ask your mom. Should lead into a great conversation so make sure you're sitting down.

But anyways, the subject of babies was always an intimidating thought that was just a far off experience for much later in life. I mean, we even decided that we would get a dog way before we would try children! We never did get a dog, but we are going to have a baby!!

When we first got married (4 years ago), we discussed the likelihood of intentionally trying to have babies starting at ages 23 & 25. Then we hit those ages and looked around and said, "um... maybe we should wait." I was ready, but the subject always seemed to send a small shock of terror up Derek's spine.

Having a baby is a really big deal, so I tried not to press the issue.  I understand that babies happen even when folks are not intentionally trying to produce one and I know that we both would have welcomed a sweet little one no matter the circumstance. But I really wanted him to feel like he was ready rather than feeling "set up" and make him feel stuck or surprised. Derek never said anything leading or hinting to him actually feeling that way, but my own insecurities allowed that to be my interpretation of his hesitation. And what I didn't know was it was really affecting our intimacy and our trust in the relationship.

I was really fearful. I had a lot of friends around me that were having a really hard time trying to conceive. Some had been trying for years, and nothing. Then some would get pregnant and lose their little one shortly after. I miscarried at 9 weeks when I was 18, and that was the most horrific experience of my life. I didn't want that experience again. But what if we waited too long and my "clock ran out"? What if I don't work right and can't even help create or carry a baby? Would I be okay with that? Could I trust God's love for me through that? Would I let that define me? Man, we weren't even "trying" yet but I found myself tortured by these thoughts. Sometimes, I just wanted to get pregnant just to see if I could... It's a joyless, lonely walk that I chose to stay in... What the heck was I doing!?

I couldn't see God through any of those thoughts. When I don't see God while in a circumstance, I have to stop trying to figure it out and just ask him where he is. There are times when I don't hear him clearly or right away and it's really hard because I seem to have forgotten who He is, his character, and his love for me, which is that he is consistant, never changing, and unwavering. When I get like that, I really have to talk to the Lord and trust that God will reveal himself to me and show his love for me, no matter what that looks like, in the situation. So I waited. Some times were harder to be still and wait than others, but I began to see God's intentional preservation of our cute little blessing.

Back in August, Derek and I were still living with a very generous family with two adorable toddlers. At first, Derek was really careful with the kids and kept his distance. Not because he didn't like them, he just didn't really know what to do with them, and if I was honest, neither did I. I started to watch a transformation happen in both myself and Derek when it came to children. They seemed like hard work but a joyful gift indeed! I remember Derek started asking the father of the family questions about fatherhood, responsibilities, and how to love your children well. This was big.

Derek surprised me with a super sweet 25th birthday gift! DISNEYLAND!!! We would spend the weekend riding coasters and being entertained by Disneyland characters. :) I was so excited. But that was not the only surpise he had for me. At dinner, he told me he was ready for children! I was BLOWN AWAY! I was so excited for this new adventure. And I was ovulating.

Now I am 30 weeks pregnant with our 1st son. I'm blown away by God's grace to us. What a precious gift and all in his timing. We are grateful, nervous, and so full of love. What a journey ahead of us!

Come what may, we will glorify the Lord.

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