Monday, September 22, 2014


My first reaction was, "When it rains, it pours!"

The fact that I even went there, both in mind and on my facebook status, shows alot about the true state of my heart. I gave alot of annoyed sighs, a couple eye-rolls, and I heard myself say, "for real God?" just a few times during this season. But none the less, I was moving forward... Right? Standing firm and enduring my hardship. Look how strong I am!! Or was I? I have found myself, really, just exsisting while taking, what felt like, each progressively, overwhelming surge.

Got into an accident, whip lash and a late night visit to the ER.
The place where we worship is in controversy, lots of prayer and conversations.
I broke my tooth, $300.
We find out more information about our church, lots of tears and more prayer.
Our Honda broke down, $850.
More stuff comes out about our church, now frustration, confusion, and more tears.
Paying for treatments from my accident, $250.
Our Honda breaks down again, $375.
Derek's latest yearly MRI shows 20 lesions when there has been only 3 for the past 3 years, lots of tears and I'm getting scared.
Insurance is refusing to pay for the accident, lots of anger.
More church stuff, I'm starting to get numb.
Our car's engine blows, $3,000+.
Add on the relentless day to day traffic, gas prices, work related issues, trying to build your direct sales business, fighting with my husband, moving and needing to put stuff in our home...

I'm trying! I'm trying to catch my breath. I'm trying to keep a smile on my face and my chin up, but this is HARD. I'm weary and I don't want to fake it till I make it. I want real joy, real peace, and real strength, because I'm really weak.

And that's the point. I've been trying to fight the waves that are crashing into me and they keep showing me my weakness. I'm not strong enough to handle them and I feel out of control and lost. I can't stand anymore.

Yes, I have been blasted by continious waves but I'm beginning to notice that I am laid upon the Rock of Ages. This cleft Rock has me and will not seem to let me go. The waves a wearing and blistering, but this Rock is unmoveable, sterdy, and trustworthy. He is my salvation in the storm. He is my safe ground, the One whom I find my shelter. Despite all things, which cannot be ignored or overlooked, He is ever present. In is presence alone, I am given an odd peace, one I normally wouldn't have in floods like this. He is here. He has made Himself known to me and I will follow him. My circumstance didn't change, just my perspective in light of my identity.

Jesus is to be my joy. Not my means to an end.

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